Remus Doesn't Even Like Poetry
by JuliaKerns5
Summary: WARNING: Slash RLSB Slight LEJP MWPP Era Dedicated to all of you readers! Happy Holidays! :D It's Christmastime and the Hogwarts girls are bored with their own lovelife, so they delve into Sirius' and Remus' with amusing results.


_Disclaimer_: I do not own Harry Potter.

"…I think he _never_ washes that mop of spaghetti he calls hair – I think Potter is rubbing off on him. _Black_ should be rubbing off on Potter! He has the most extraordinary hair – and Pettigrew told me that he doesn't spend any time on it at all! Potter should learn from Sirius' simplicity–"

"Potter isn't _that_ bad." Lily interrupted shrewdly, furrowing her eyebrows and readjusting in her spot on the floor of the library rug.

"Are you kidding? Potter has been asking you out for ages, why don't you ever say yes??" a girly Gryffindor female said, giggling.

Lily rolled her eyes. "His maturity level has not risen much since he has come here five years ago. And his desperateness is awfully annoying; he _never_ knows when to stop. Like one of those Italian salesman." She waved her hand idly to dismiss the topic.

Bertha Jorkins chuckled deeply, her voice rumbling. "You are never getting rid of Potter, Evans." She said with a wide smile that almost split her face apart.

"Shut up, Jorkins." Lily snapped.

The other girls pursed their lips at Bertha. "And dear god, Bertha, if you even breathe a _word_ to anybody else about this you won't see daylight ever again! We all know how much you like to gossip!"

Bertha snarled at them, but nodded slightly anyway.

"Anyway, no wonder Black has such nice hair!!"

"Why?" Lily asked sharply.

"Pettigrew always gets so tongue-tied and sweaty around girls, so he accidentally let it slip to me that Black is…" the Gryffindor girl leant in discreetly, looking around edgily for people listening in to their conversation. Whispering, she cupped her hand over her mouth, "Black is gay!"

There was a collective groan from the girls, some of them giggling at the thought of Sirius Black, a homosexual.

"Sirius Black," a girl said, covering her mouth with elegantly painted fingernails as she laughed loudly. "A poofter! Flaming up the maypole! Could you imagine?"

Lily rolled her eyes again, putting her hands on her hips. "Oh come on! I knew _years_ ago! Stop acting like six year-olds!"

Bertha gasped. "You _knew_?" she asked, gripping Lily's elbows with amazing force and grilling her for details greedily. "For how long has this been going on??"

The redhead yanked her arm back into the safety of her own body. "Third Year." She muttered, looking rather disgustingly at Bertha.

"Oooh." The girls purred.

"Does he like anyone??"

"Well… who is he close to?" Another female challenged contemplatively.

Bertha crossed her chubby arms. "Pettigrew."

"Potter!! It's Potter!! Potter and him are _totally_ lovers!"

"No way!" a Gryffindor condescended seriously. "He's too in love with Lily."

Lily blushed scarlet. "That sorry excuse for a guy is _not_ in love with me. He's just smitten." She brushed off.

"What about Lupin?"

"Nah. Lupin is always so quiet… Sirius is so wild!" As is to make her point, the girl flicked her shiny hair over her shoulder enthusiastically.

"They may not be together, but Lupin and Black would be _adorable_ as a couple! They could straighten each other out into… normal people."

"I like Sirius' wild side!" a girl said, pouting.

"And I like Remus just the way he is!" Lily interfered sternly. "He's a good study partner!"

"Oh, Lily, are you really going to stand in the way of blossoming love??" Bertha batted her eyelashes.

"Weren't you the one who was infatuated with Black last week?" Lily asked scrutinizingly, poking Bertha in the shoulder.

Bertha flushed. "No!" she retorted forcefully. "Besides, Lupin could use some cheering up, he always looks so gloomy and ill all the time."

"I completely agree!" One of the studious Ravenclaws in the corner cooed, and she scuttled over from her pile of books on the table a few feet away to join in the gossip-conversation. "We should play matchmaker!"

"We totally should!" Bertha trilled, smiling cheekily. "It wouldn't be hard! They're already so touchy anyway."

Just then, perfectly on cue, Sirius and Remus came walking through one of the shelves, chatting lightly.

"Oh look, there's the book!" Remus said triumphantly, and pointed towards the top of the shelf. He jumped for the thick spine, but Sirius firmly held him down.

"C'mon, Moony, you're totally too short to reach that."

"You're only an inch taller than me!" Remus said in indignance.

"Still taller," Sirius said with a smirk, and leaning on his toes, he pulled the book down gracefully and put it in Remus' hands. "You're welcome." He smiled.

"Aww…" all of the girls, with an exception for Lily, crooned lovingly, so lovestruck by the pair that Lily could swear she saw reflections of white doves fluttering in their eyes. Huffing, she hitched her bag up her shoulder and stalked out of the library with her red hair flying behind her.

She didn't go for gossip anyway.

---

"Lily!!_Lily!_" The Person In Ravenclaw Who Lily Didn't Know The Name Of scuttled over to the redhead, smiling in a mischievous way that made Lily think of nothing but James Potter and an entire bucketful of maggots to tip into this evening's pot of soup in the kitchen. "Hey, slow down, would you?"

"Sorry," Lily apologized stiffly, wishing she would have kept on walking.

"That's all right," The Ravenclaw said cheerfully, "Would you mind getting us a copy of Remus' transfiguration notes?"

Lily's eyes widened. "His _what_??"

"Potions notes, transfiguration notes, notes passed between friends, anything like that!!" When the green eyes in front of the Ravenclaw still did not return back to their normal size, she shrugged. "_What_? It's not like I'm asking you to bring me his privates in a bag."

"Why do you – why the hell do you need Remus' study notes?!" she shrieked exasperatedly.

"We need to forge his handwriting!!"

"For what??"

"To give Black a note that's _from Remus_, even though it's actually from us!!" The Ravenclaw squealed.

"No!" Lily refused, and stomped off huffing once again.

---

Just because of Lily's refusal, a group of a dozen girls had to team up to crowd and bustle around Remus, begging for his autograph and a few words of wisdom.

"Remus, Remus!!" Bertha Jorkin's voice was louder than all of the squealing girls, as she thrust her sausage-like fingers into his to clap a piece of notebook paper into the grasp of his fingers. "Sign it saying '_love from Remus_', got it?"

Remus nodded uneasily, looking truly terrified at all of the girls, buzzing likes bees as they shoved each other out of the way.

"Um… what did I do?" the tawny-haired boy asked apprehensively.

Bertha impatiently prodded Remus' ribs with her thumb. "Hurry up with the autograph, will you? I don't have all day."

"Why am I giving you an autograph?"

"Because… you… uh…" one of the girls fumbled for words lamely. "because you aced your last Potions test!" she finally managed, flailing her arms. All of the girls cheered in sudden agreement.

"But… I didn't ace my last Potions test." Remus mumbled feebly.

"Just sign the damn paper!" Bertha shouted, looking wild.

---

Three hours and forty-two minutes later, all of the girls had been supplied with acceptable autographs from the extremely perplexed Remus, who had later been rescued from the girls by Sirius.

Lily, knitting edgily in the armchair, was watching some of the Gryffindor girls examining autographs and how Remus wrote his 'g' and his 'l' and his 'a' because he seemed to write it three different ways along with his 'h', which he wrote four different ways.

Sighing, one of the girls softly folded her autograph and stashed it away in her pocket.

"Ohh, the things we do for love…" she said breathily.

"_Other_ people's love." Another Gryffindor corrected smilingly. The girls laughed.

"We are _too _kind and selfless."

Lily rolled her eyes, looping her knitting needle into yarn a little too rough.

---

When Lily woke up in the morning, she never dealt with anybody's shit.

Except her own.

She would grumble tiredly, then she would always put on her fluffy red bathrobe, and put her hair up in a messy bun. Except this time, when she shuffled down in slippers to the Gryffindor couch, she noticed a little sprig of green holly hanging over her head.

She looked alertfully for the smirky James Potter that should be nearby, but instead one of the Matchmaker-Gryffindor-Girls was smiling cheekily in an outfit that was entirely emerald green and burgundy. Lifting up her pants, she showed Lily her candy canes socks that jingled.

Lily winced.

"Why are you putting _mistletoe _up in the common room?" Lily asked irritably, resisting the urge to yank it down.

"Because it's Christmas season!! And two of our favorite poofters will be meeting under this mistletoe for sure!"

"If there's going to be a mistletoe, then why get Remus' autograph??"

"Because a love note and a mistletoe is sooo much more romantic! The more the better, Lily! Romance all around!" Smiling, the girl moved back over to the couch and sighed happily. "Matchmaking is _soo_ exhausting."

Lily almost ripped her hair out that morning as she stomped back up the stairs.

She had already decided that she would lose her mind today.

---

Remus yawned sleepily as he woke up the same morning, stretching his arms and rustling about in his sheets.

"Prongs…? Is that you?"

James was peering avidly down the dormitory stairs, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"My god, Moony! Lily Evans is walking around the common room in a red bathrobe!" Almost terrified, James bounced over to his trunk and rummaged through his clothes.

"Well, if you're up, I'll get up."

All of the boys in the dormitory groaned as they one-by-one awoke and changed into their robes, traipsing down the stairs chatting merrily. There were four Gryffindor girls awaiting by the couches and peering over the cushions, smiling widely as they watched Sirius and Remus approach the mistletoe.

And just walk right through it.

All of the girls, greatly disheartened and scowling, gaped and made loud noises of protest, which all four Marauders were too oblivious to notice.

---

"Okay, what would Lupin say?? Would he be lovey-dovey? Hot and sexy? Charming and seductive? Feminine and obsessive?"

By this time, sixteen gigglish girls had joined in the Remus and Sirius Matchmaking Committee, not because they knew anything about either of the two, but because it was Christmas time and because they were feeling romantic.

Probably because they're _own_ love life was dry as the desert.

So, sixteen gigglish girls gathered around a cramped table in the library, Lily Evans away three tables but still hearing all of their chatter.

"No, Lupin is more the, _come hither and do the first move because I'm too afraid_ type… not to be mean." Bertha Jorkins said, giving her own two cents in as well.

"I… well, sure." Another girl said, shrugging.

"Anyway, back to the card! We have his handwriting down, but not his personality!"

"Let's just write it like girls! He's gay, so he has to be feminine."

Three tables down, Lily accidentally ripped a page out of her book on Defense Against the Dark Arts, rolling her eyes.

---

"Hey, Remus?"

"Yeah, Padfoot?" Remus asked, sitting on his bed, legs crossed with a thin book splayed on his knee.

"What's up with this note on my pillow?"

"What note?"

"The note _from you_…?"

Furrowing his eyebrows, Remus bookmarked his book with a pale, scarred finger, looking up. "What are you talking about, what note?" he asked, attempting to see what was in Sirius' fingers.

"Um…_this note_." A little awkwardly, he put the note in Remus' slender fingers and lounged casually against the pole of his bed.

_Dear Sirius,_

_Your eyes sparkle like polished stones,_

_You hair shines like satin,_

_If you kissed me, expect lots of moans,_

_And expect me to become as hard as a tin,_

_I think I've fallen in love with you,_

_Do you love me?_

_I'm different and new,_

_Our love could stretch as far as the sea._

_Lots of love,_

_XOXOXO,_

_Remus-kins_

"Wow, Moony. I never knew you could be so feminine."

Right when his eyes scanned to the bottom of the page, Remus flushed as bright as an apple, crumpling up the scented red paper.

"I did _not_ write that!" Remus said, checking the paper front and back for some names or indication of who wrote the poem. "I don't even _like_ poetry!"

"This isn't poetry!" Sirius said.

"Yes it is!" Remus said shrilly. "It rhymes every other line. Stones – moans – satin – tin – you – new – Padfoot, I don't have the patience to rhyme words."

"But Moony, it's in your handwriting." Sirius acknowledged.

Remus unfolded the letter once again reluctantly, eyes narrowed in critically. "It… It is. That's odd." Remus said, furrowing his eyebrows. "Aha! That's not my 'a'!"

"Don't you write your 'a' three different ways?"

"Sometimes. But usually I write it with a loop at the end, which this 'a' and this 'a' seem to be missing!" Remus said determinedly, pointing to some of the letters.

"Who would go through the trouble to try to get us together when we're already–"

Remus wasn't listening. "Who the hell wrote this??" he demanded. "We need to find out, Padfoot!"

"All right, _Remus-kins_."

---

That evening, Lily walked out from the dormitory after some quiet time studying for an upcoming Potions essay, finally satisfied the first time this week.

Except when she saw the sign on the dormitory door. And on the Portrait Hole door. And on the wall. And on the table. And, just about everywhere.

_WANTED:_

_Person or people who wrote the very disturbing love note concerning Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Contact either of the above if you can help us, because if not, WE WILL FIND YOU!! Remus doesn't even LIKE poetry!!!_

Gaping, Lily's fingers subconsciously drew away from her side and covered her mouth, before she ran down the stairs to find a familiar group of girls chuckling over the red warning note on the table.

"I am _so_ turning you in to Remus and Black! You can't just write whatever you want about whoever you want!" Lily shrieked, resisting to succumb to the urge to yank on one of the girl's hair.

"Oh,_come on_, Evans, I bet they found it sweet."

"You shouldn't be interfering in other people's love life!"

"Yes, but it's for the greater good."

"Remus isn't even gay."

One of the girl's eyes widened. "Then we should make him gay!"

---

"Remus!! Remus, I need to talk to you!" Bertha Jorkins cooed cheerfully, dashing forward to the young werewolf.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, no, not at all. I just wanted to ask you for something."

"Is it about quills?" Remus inquired, looking apologetic, "Because I don't have anymore left."

"No, no, it's not about school stuff. You know how the Hogsmeade visit is coming up?" Bertha asked, not bothering to beat around the bush.

"Oh… erm… I'm sorry, Bertha, but–"

"No, no, I'm not asking you to go with me, but I was wondering if you wanted to go with Alice." She smiled, flashing teeth before putting her hands on her hips for an automatic answer.

"Alice? Isn't she dating Frank?"

"Yes, but would you date her?"

"I… I'm sorry, but I couldn't."

"All right, but would you date Frank?" Bertha rambled.

Remus froze, his eyes popping. He was silent. Bertha impatiently tutted.

"Oh come on, we're not in the fifties, Remus, being homosexual is perfectly fine!!" she trilled, patting him on the shoulder. "We understand."

Remus stepped back from her grip. "I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong idea here–"

Bertha interrupted him, laughing femininely. "Yes, yes, being gay might be wrong to the rules, but honestly, who makes these rules?"

"Er – society?" Remus questioned, sweating slightly, his uneasiness growing.

"Yes! Why must everybody be perfect in society's rules?? Don't we have our own rules?"

By now, Bertha was in Remus' face, breathing onto his nose.

"Uhm – sure." Remus answered, and took a step back. Bertha grabbed his elbow.

"C'mon, we all know you're a poofter!" she shouted, fire blazing in her eyes now. No more nice talk on sexuality preferences. It felt odd to be told by a girl who and what you like. Remus wasn't used to it. "Go gay! Go gay, Remus!"

Her grip on his skin lessened slightly and Remus took that opportunity to run – run like the girl that he was just told he was – something that he hoped Bertha wouldn't point out to him later.

In his mad dash down the corridor – he didn't know if Bertha was trolling along after him – he fell straight onto Sirius.

"Oomph!" Sirius groaned, hitting the floor. Remus heard something the other boy's back crack, and bit his bottom lip guiltily. "Who's chasing you, Moony? Death?"

"Bertha Jorkins," Remus answered truthfully, getting up from the floor and helping Sirius up. "She's trying to make me gay! Can we run before she finds us?"

"Come on, Remus, don't be afraid of girls," Sirius said, puffing out his chest and stretching to his full height. "Let's go _confront_ Bertha."

"Let's not." Remus said, shaking his head.

"She's probably just flirting with you."

"I… I don't think so." Remus said uneasily.

---

"How about we simply tell them that we think they should be together?"

The rest of the girls gasped.

"No! How could you say that?? After all of this work with getting Remus' handwriting down and making a letter and convincing them to be gay, you just want to confess it's us and tell them to be together?? That won't work!!"

Murmurs of furious agreement followed.

"Yes it would! I think that the only reason they're not together is because they don't think society would allow it."

"No! The only reason they're not together is because they think they're too good of friends!"

"You're wrong! The only reason they're not together is because they don't know what Potter and Pettigrew would think!"

"Please! They're not together because they don't want to hurt each other or be distant and break up their friendship if they break up!"

"No! They're not together because they don't think being gay is right!"

"That's wrong too! They're not together because guys are afraid of making commitment!"

They continued arguing, buzzing angrily like bees fighting over flowers and nectar.

---

It had to have been a very, very good day for Lily Evans for her to bravely approach James in the common room, mumbling to him: "Boys' dormitory, _now_."

James, wide-eyed, almost fell off of the armchair before he precariously balanced himself. Clearing his throat in what he hoped was a manly cough, James nodded and walked as nonchalantly as he could up the stairs to the dormitory. The moment they were on the landing, Lily put her hands on her hips crossly.

"I am not flirting with you." Lily said right away.

"Um – okay." James rambled.

"I am not asking you out either." She said firmly.

"That's fine!"

"And I am not declaring love to you."

James blushed crimson. "Then what is this about?"

"Not about you, obviously," Lily dismissed languidly. "I just need somebody to tell me the truth on something. Are Remus and Sirius together?"

James paled, looked thunderstruck. Then, as casually as he could, James laughed loudly and shook his head. "Oh, oh, Lily, what in the name of Merlin's pink bra brought this question up?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Just answer the damn question. I know that you're trying to act cool about something but failing miserably when you use Merlin and some sort of demented clothing accessory."

James paled more, looking quite white in the face. "You know me too well," he croaked. "But I don't feel comfortable… distributing the answer to your question…"

"So then it's a yes?"

"What?? When did I say that?" James shouted wildly.

"Well, why else would you have a reason not to tell me if they're dating or not?"

James remained silent.

Lily sighed. "Okay, look. If you tell me the absolute truth, I'll go on _one_ date with you." she compromised. She watched as all of the blood rushed back into James' face with amazing speed. He widened his eyes into the size of teacups.

"All right." James rambled. "Sirius and Remus have been together for two and a half years – Sirius is gay but Remus is apparently only Sirius-sexual."

Lily smiled widely, biting her bottom lip. "This is brilliant! Those girls trying to put them together are gaining nothing from they're matchmaking committee!" Laughing loudly, she grinned at James. "Thank you, James!" She rushed down the dormitory stairs, giggling.

---

Honesty had never worked.

To twenty-three girls, honesty was the last of their priorities. If you were in love, you could lie. And then, if you were in love, you didn't have to say sorry either. That was the beauty of love. And those twenty-three girls were going to use that to their advantage.

But the fact that this wasn't themselves and some other people that they knew almost nothing about complicated things… and honesty seemed like the right thing to do.

So, all hooking arms to create a large, indestructible chain, they approached Remus and Sirius, paying no attention to James and Peter that were walking alongside them.

"Erm… Sirius? Remus? Could we talk to you for a moment?" an earnest Ravenclaw asked tentatively. The two boys looked up in surprise at the mob of girls swarming around the two. James laughed heartily, slapping Sirius on the back while shouting:

"New world record, Sirius! How many girls can ask you out at once??"

The girls all glared at James, but then continued their hesitant, puppy dog eyes at Sirius and Remus.

The two boys stared at each other for a moment, before Remus quietly said: "Um… sure…?"

Smiling cheekily, they all grabbed a piece of Remus and Sirius, hauling them off to a secluded classroom and circling around them.

"All right. Well… we want to tell you that we are sorry for what we did."

Looking unnerved, Sirius put his hands on his hips crossly and suspiciously, but Remus continued staring uneasily at the crowd of girls. He was almost hiding into Sirius' form/

"What did you do?" Sirius demanded angrily.

"We wrote the letter that Remus sent to you." A girl rambled loudly.

This time, Remus spoke up before Sirius could explode verbally, sending spit flying.

"_You_ all sent that?? What the hell are you doing meddling in other people's love life?" Remus commanded.

Some females winced, obviously not used to the cantankerous Remus. When Remus was livid, he was persistent.

"We wanted to… to help you realize your true love for one another."

For a moment, the two boys were stunned and there was absolute silence in the room. Then another girl, oblivious to the thick tension in the room, giggled girlishly. "We think that you'd be _adorable_ together." She crooned, smiling.

"Um… thank you…?" Sirius said slowly, looking awkward. "But–"

"Look, don't say that you're not gay or that you're not going to risk ruining your friendship or that your friends wouldn't understand, because then you'd be standing in the way of true love!"

Remus and Sirius exchanged a slightly amused glance, before they both burst into torrents of laughter.

"Are you guys fucking kidding us?" Sirius asked, still laughing. "You were trying to set us up all this time?"

The girls all looked at each other awkwardly. This wasn't right. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't the romantic scene they had prepared to happen.

"Well… maybe."

"We're already together, you dolts!" Sirius said, laughing even louder.

There would have been an awkward silence in the room if it wasn't for the fact that the two boys in the middle of the room wouldn't still be laughing themselves sick.

"So – so you're both together?" A girl repeated breathlessly, mind blank.

"Yes!" Sirius cried, and to prove his point, he impulsively wrapped his arms around Remus and kissed him soundly. A surprised but far from displeased squeak escaped Remus' lips.

"I knew that." Lily said from the door, smirking and her arms crossed satisfyingly.

"Lily! You knew all this time and you never told us?"

"Hey!" Sirius said indignantly. "We never told you!" he shouted to Lily.

Lily smiled. "I bribed James into telling me. We're going out next weekend."

Remus groaned. "Damn. See Sirius, I told you this would happen!" he said, elbowing Sirius in the ribs.

"But Lily, _why_ didn't you tell us?? You could have saved us from our suffering!"

Lily grinned. "Yes, but I didn't want to."

Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing hold of Remus' hand and pulling him through the dumbstruck girls. "Well, this was fun, but I think it's time to go snog in a broom cupboard. This has been a long conversation not to kiss in."

Remus snickered, stumbling out of the door with Sirius, who promptly gave him a sloppy kiss on the lips.

The girls exchanged guilty glances, before turning to give Lily a death glare. "My God, Evans, you are_ evil_." They growled.

Lily giggled. "Yes, but maybe this taught you a lesson not to go meddling in other people's love lives. Stick to your own, even if it is boring."

---

As twenty-three brooding, glum, and sulking girls departed the empty classroom, they all faded apart into their separate houses. Then seven moping, moody Gryffindor girls walked into the burgundy common room to pass Remus and Sirius kissing softly on the couch.

"Get a room!" One of them barked.

Lily chuckled in the corner of the room, Remus and Sirius echoing her.


End file.
